The Strength to do Nothing

I was supposed to write the post a long time ago, but never did because of doubt. A couple of days, ago my husband gave me a nudge and convinced me to revisit this blog post. He suggested I write of post of what I was believing God for and the things I believe He is saying concerning this journey so that we can look back and see that God has answered our prayers. Not only for ourselves, but for others to believe. During this journey, I have been very specific with God. Many of the things I  am believing God for, I have been reluctant to share with others. One of the reasons is because sometimes, when you tell people these sorts of things, they have a way of putting doubt into your mind even if you didn't have it anywhere in your mind beforehand. Another reason would be that I second guess myself a lot and the things that I believe He says concerning my life. What if I'm wrong? What will people think? At this point, I'd rather be a fool for God than to miss out on an opportunity for Him to show His glory through this trial. What greater testimony would that be?

Sometime toward the end of 2010 (I really wished I would have remembered the date), I was prophesied to. I was told to not be discouraged and and that it (pregnancy/baby) was coming. I was almost a year into this struggle to have children and was so excited to hear this word from God. You couldn't have told me that I wouldn't have conceived that very same month. That, of course, didn't happen.
Then, on February, 10, 2012, I was told that in order to have children I would have to have surgery or go through IVF. At that point, I was considering surgery because it would give me the option to have children in the future without having to resort to IVF each time. On February 14, my husband and I received another word from God which told us to give Him until September. I didn't want to believe that God would make me that much longer for a baby. So nonetheless, I prayed about the options set before. Every time I prayed, I never felt fully comfortable doing the surgery or the IVF. As much as my mind wanted to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING, my spirit wouldn't allow me to. I'm very proactive, so this was a first to me. My husband and I decided that we would step out on faith and wait on God. As much as we believed that God could use medicine to bless us, we didn't believe that would be the case for us this time around.

Even with the word from God, I still have moments of doubt and impatience. June 2, I had a dream that I believe confirmed the word from God. I don't particularly pay much attention to my dreams but this one stuck out to me. I don't remember much about the dream except for the dates September 9 and May 27.

Broadly, these are the things I pray for daily:
I pray for natural pregnancy that would prove the doctors wrong. I pray that everything from conception, to pregnancy, to delivery would have God's signature all over it. I pray everyone can look at my testimony and see that only God could do it. I am also praying for twins, a boy and a girl. How amazing that would be. That they would say I couldn't have one and God would show out and give me 2!

If you are reading this, I ask that you join me in prayer.

Until next time......

TTP Regimen

CD = Cycle Day with CD1 being the first day of your period

The first year of TTP was the hardest. The whole process was emotionally and physically draining. In trying to conceive, everything is done in "cycles" according to your menstrual cycle. A cycle is considered from the first day off your period until your next period starts again. This will be an explanation of the "cycles" I went through.

As stated in previous posts, I received fertility treatment since the beginning since I had PCOS. The end of January 2011, I stopped taking birth control. I believe my first fertility cycle started in May 2011. Daily, I took prenatal vitamins (2 pills) and Metformin. Metformin was prescribed by my physician because I have insulin resistance and at times my blood sugar gets high (symptom of PCOS). Apparently high blood sugar during the first trimester can cause heart problems in babies. On CD 5-9, I took a medication called Clomid used to induce ovulation (produce and 'egg'). That's 4 different pills. Now Clomid is a beast on the body, at least for me it was. My symptoms included hot flashes, worse headaches, nausea, mood swings (according to my hubby lol) and all sorts of random pain in my abdomen. All these symptoms and more. Which by the way can be taken for symptoms of pregnancy! On CD 12 or 13 I would go to the doctor's office for an ultrasound to have my ovaries scanned to see if the Clomid was working and my follicles ('eggs'0 were the appropriate size for that point of the cycle. My doctor wasn't impressed with my follicles the first cycle but suggested I continue with the cycle. So the rest of the cycle consists of scheduled intimacy every other day from CD 12-20 (no comment!) According to the cycle instructions given to me, if your period doesn't come on CD 28, you should take a pregnancy test. What they don't tell you is that Clomid doesn't give everyone a 28 day cycle.

So imagine my excitement when CD 29 rolls around and still no sign of my period. But alas, my excitement is short lived because the pregnancy test is negative. Apparently, Clomid gives me a 31 day cycle. Go Figure! My cycle have never been normal so why would I expect them to comply with medications.

I believe the next month I redid the cycle only this time, I didn't go in for the ultrasound. Its hard to remember what exactly happened during each cycle or when they occurred. I think for the year I did four Clomid cycles. The reason I only did four was because of the emotional and physical strain. I would do a cycle and be so excited and sure that this one was the one that would work. Then I would get all sad and discouraged when it didn't work. I'd say I can't go through this again. Pray that it would happen naturally. Then get tired of it not happening. Then I would think, I can't, not do anything. I want this too bad to sit around and do nothing. God uses medicine to bless people too! Then I would blame some of the failing cycles on my hubby for being difficult and not sticking to the plan. Literally, this was my thought process for the entire year.

I remember one cycle, the doctor increased the dosage for the Clomid since it obviously wasn't working with the lower strength. I went in for my ultrasound and my follicles were the right size! Everything was looking good. The doctor got me all excited. I even told told her "don't get me all excited for nothing." She even gave me a medication called Ovidrel to use use on CD 14 that she said would guarantee I would ovulate. My hubby gave me the shot in my abdomen on day 14. We did everything right. I tried my best not to get excited about the cycle but I couldn't help but to be. Yet again, the cycle was an epic fail!

My days were filled with tears and sadness. Thinking about it 24/7. Wondering if it would ever happen. Being upset at work and even having to step away to cry. Being upset at at my patients for their fertility while I was struggling with mine. Envy. Anger. Self-pity. Loneliness. Frustration. The pressure from the people in my life constantly asking me when I would have kids. Being upset with God for allowing this to happen to me when I did everything right. Doubting that He could even do this for me. Not wanting to talk about it because it made me sad. But then wishing sometimes that someone would ask me how I was doing or how I was handling it because I needed to talk. I was a mess and most people didn't even know or notice.



*I write this and all my other posts so that I can remember where I came from.......

The Story Behind TTP

So some may be wondering exactly why I'm in TTP........ Or maybe not.....But here's the story anyway.

Ever since I can remember I've had irregular cycles. When I was a teenager, my doctors said it was because I was a teenager. When I became an adult, I was told it was because I've always been irregular. Go figure! Well anyways....in November of 2010, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). (Google it! lol) I googled PCOS to find out more information. I google just about everything and I knew my husband would have a million and one questions concerning this new diagnosis. According to my research PCOS is a disorder caused by hormonal imbalance that cause those with it to ovulate irregularly or not at all. Instead of ovulating, these eggs become cysts in the ovaries. Without ovulation, you won't have a period hence the irregular cycles. Along with this, symptoms include infertility, being overweight, insulin resistance, facial hair, being at greater risk for heart disease and diabetes, miscarriage, and premature delivery.
The doctor said that our plan of action would depend upon whether or not we want a baby or not. I was still in nursing school at the time, and as much as I would have loved to have a baby, it wasn't a good decision at the time. Plus, we wanted to wait until we were married for 2 years before we would start trying. That was only 6 months away. The doctor assured us that whenever we do decide to have a baby, it would be a breeze. She said I am young and as far as people with infertility issues go, those with PCOS are the easiest to get pregnant. With that being said, my husband and I decided to go on birth control until we are ready to get pregnant. I never doubted her one moment.
In February 2011, we decided that we are ready to have kids. In my mind, it wouldn't take no time at all. We felt like we were one step ahead since we had medicine on our side. It never occurred to us that medicine might fail us in this instance. Now that I think about, we probably had more faith in the medicine than we should have. A year later (Feb 2012) WITH fertility treatment and still nothing. (I will probably make a post later on to describe in detail what that year consisted of). So after a year, we decided that its time for a new course of treatment since what we were doing was obviously not working. So my doctor suggested we do a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). Google it! It's an x-ray used to look at the structure of the uterus and fallopian tubes. It can show injury or abnormal structure to the uterus or fallopian tubes. It can also show a blockage that would prevent an egg from moving through the fallopian tubes to the uterus.
My results: Bilateral tubal blockage! Meaning both of my fallopian tubes are blocked. How could that happen to me? I'm young and have never had an STD. Seriously! I was absolutely devastated. I cried from the moment I heard the results until the following day. I don't think I ever cried so much in my life. There were several reasons why I was devastated:
1. As if I needed another reason to make this TTP even longer and harder. I already have the ovulation issue!
2. I knew that tubal blockage meant that I only had 2 options, surgery or In-vitro fertilization (IVF). None of which are guaranteed. Surgery would give me the option to have children naturally in the future without always having to resort to IVF. But there was the possibility that the wouldn't be able to remove the blockage or if the did remove it, it could scar back up and be blocked again. IVF cost $10-17,000 and is not covered at all by insurance. Some people have to go through several cycles before they even get pregnant. And then there are some that get pregnant and end up miscarrying. At this point if I'm going to have surgery or spend that kind of money, I'd like some guarantees.
3. I felt like I wasted a year of my life on treatments that were never going to work. If only I had known since the beginning. Not to mention that crazy headaches, mood swings, emotions going wild, pain, and hot flashes.
In my mind, at the time, surgery was the best option for me.........

THEN & NOW

The Thoughts of a HUSBAND "WHO BELIEVES HE'S ALONE IN TTP" 

Who could I vent too in a moment when I am so Alone

but must remain strong in order to  keep a stable home.

the answer NO ONE,

and if I did go to someone to open up to,

feelings of betrayal consumes me, so I resort back to silence in order to protect you.

-Samuel-

THEN

The pressure to understand. Do I not bleed as you bleed? We both are wounded in this experience but instead of tending to my own wounds, I do all in my power to reach out and hold yours while I bleed out on the floor. I understand the responsibility of being a man and the fact that I must be strong so that I could support you when you're weak. But let's take a moment to understand I bleed. I get saddened by the thought of possibly not being able to see what a little Lisa would look like, how it would feel to have a miniature version of my wife on my back while I give her a piggy back ride or even be her own private horsey. I weep internally but in my world if I take my hand off your wound to tend to mine You will bleed out and that's not an option. My love for you is so strong that I rather bleed out while I apply pressure to yours. I feel if I show my depression or my disappointment in this situation that I'll just be putting you in a worse state but I guess that may not be correct but that's how I felt.  I often think of being the hero in the life of a little Lisa, having her think that Daddy is the most powerful being in all the world (besides our God of course). I want to play doll. I want to take her out on dates. I want to take her to go get her feet done. I want to be there for my lil Lisa. Talk about being humble I am a man who did not want any female children but when I sit and think of that fact that its possible that I may not have any, having a little Lisa is all that I could think of.

Wow, do we really want me to sit here and think of not having a jr Sam. My my my how will the world miss out on such a great curious young individual. I cry internally at least once a day when I think of the thought of not having the blessing of having my own flesh and blood. bone of my bone flesh of my flesh the same DNA. Although we are married and share very personal and intimate things with each other, we still don't share the same DNA. The fact of the matter is, I WANT KIDS, I really do. What we are going through hurts me? When I feel I'm allowed to I weep (in church cause no one can judge). But at home can you imagine how it would be like if I just started balling and started stating how bad I want children. I truly think that it would hurt you even the more. I have to either hold in my emotions or let it all out its one or the other. I've choosen to hold it in so that I could tend to yours but I feel my actions are not understood and are unappreciated.

Well before I was really alone in this cause I had no one to turn to. I couldn't talk to anyone about this cause I felt that I was betraying you. I couldn't turn to you cause I had no idea how you would react, so I held it in.

NOW

Wow, we came a long way in this journey. I remember the quiet moments in the house where we just did not know what to say. The walking on egg shells to make sure myself and our surrounding did nothing to bring up the situation. This TTP has cost us plenty financially, mentally, & spiritually. I thank God for the moment when the light bulb came on and we both realized that we have each other in this. I wasn't alone I could tell you how I feel and its ok to speak about it. This is where we are and we need to confront it. I thank you my LOVE for breaking the ice and opening the door to open communication. I LOVE YOU

Although I thought I was doing right, I realize now that my actions to emotionless did hurt you. I'M SORRY. As you know me and my heart, that would never be my intentions. I am truly at peace with this as I feel you are too. I know the Lord God is going to bless us. It just make sense. He loves us and he's been here for us since day one. God's hands have been on our marriage and I expect for it to stay there. I do believe this was a key to the next step in our TTP (OPENNESS). This is something that others should know so that when we finally get the blessing, it will be a even greater testimony. So I say thank you Lisa for being obedient to the Lord. Let's continue to seek him and follow His direction. I can't believe your BLOGGING. lol. THAT'S crazy.

I WAS WRONG THIS ISN'T JUST YOUR FAITH WALK. THIS IS MINE AS WELL. AND WE BOTH WILL SHARE THIS TESTIMONY TOGETHER.

Blessing and Curse?

Ever since I was a child, I had this fascination with the childbirth process. One of my favorite shows to watch was "Birth Day." At that time, I wanted to be a doctor and just knew I would be an OB/GYN. When I got older and changed my mind, I decided that I still wanted to work in the health care field. Although, it wasn't my first option, nursing became my career. I told any who wanted to know that I wanted to work in Labor and Delivery. I knew my chances of getting into that field right out of school were slim to none. But God favored me and allowed me to find a graduate nurse position in Labor and Delivery right after school. I knew it was God by the way everything fell into place. The manager of my unit wasn't even there to interview me and I still got the job. But that's another story.
Although, I was eight months into my TTP, I never imagined that working in Labor and Delivery would cause me such distress at the time. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do and I thank God for the opportunity that was given to me. It just seemed like the more time that passed that I wasn't pregnant, the sadder I was at work. I had some good days but I also had some really bad days. It just amazed me how many young mothers I would see come in. There would be 22 year olds pregnant with their fourth child, 19 year olds on the sixth pregnancy, 27 year olds pregnant with their seventh child. How could all of these people be so fertile? It just wasn't fair. Many of them took for granted the gift of life they were carrying.
Most people would find work as a source of distraction when having their own personal issues. For me, work was a constant reminder of difficulty I was experiencing trying to conceive and it hurt to see people daily doing and experiencing what I so badly wanted to do.

TTP

So I've been thinking about this word: infertility. Doctors diagnose patients as infertile when trying to conceive for over a year without success. According to the dictionary, infertility is defined as not fertile or productive; especially incapable of or unsuccessful in achieving pregnancy. To me, this word such a negative connotation. It makes the situation seem hopeless. From this day forward, I refuse to speak that over my life. From now on, I will refer to this time as my transition to pregnancy (TTP). Call me deep if you want to! "Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof." (Proverbs 18:21) I choose to speak life. I refuse to be called by a name or call myself by a term that I don't believe God calls me.

A Must See!

I remember the first time I saw this video, I got chills. It literally changed the way I thought about this infertility thing. I mean this woman was told that she should have a hysterectomy to remove the very organ that would allow her to carry a child. The doctors even said that is she did get pregnant the baby would never survive. Instead of crying about it and wallowing in self-pity, she decided to put her trust in the Lord. She laughed at the enemy and praised God in advance. She did end up getting pregnant and carrying a child to term. That goes to show you to not listen to man's report but to the report of the Lord. He is able to do what man says is impossible. Nothing is impossible for HIM! This is true for any situation that you may be going through.

Dear God

Dear God,

I'm just not understanding why this is happening to me. The doctor's say that I need to have surgery or do IVF. Lord, you know I don't want surgery nor do I have the money for IVF. None of these options are even guaranteed. My body has betrayed me. It lies to me every month. I'm broken. It seems like like everyone around me is either pregnant or has babies. I can't even get a piece of mind at work because all I do is deal with pregnant women or women with their newborn babies. What did I do to deserve this? I mean I did everything right. I waited until marriage. I even waited until I was done with school so that my finances would be stable and I would have the time to spend with my child. It's just not fair. I'm a good person. I attend church regularly and I do my best to live by Your Word. How come my 19 year old patients have 3 children at home while currently pregnant with the 4th? I feel like I see pregnant people and babies everywhere I go. Why do people constantly ask me when I am going to have children? I feel so alone. I feel like no one understands what I am going through. My husband doesn't even get it. I have more sad days then I have happy days. I've never cried so much in my life. I feel like a crazed women because this is all I ever think about. I no longer enjoy family functions anymore because I am constantly reminded of my heart's desire. On top of that, there's guaranteed to be one person to ask me when I'm going to get pregnant. God, do you even hear my prayers? Do you see my tears? I've been praying about this for over a year now. I would have had a child by now if I would have gotten pregnant in the beginning. I'm so sick of feeling this way. When are you going to answer my prayers?

----Impatiently Waiting on A Miracle


My Child,

My child whom is fearfully and wonderfully made. Of course I hear your prayers. If only you knew how seriously I take them. Was it not you who prayed for Me to use you to bring glory to My name? Was it not you who prayed that My will be done in your life? Everything I do is because I love you. There is not one thing that happens to you, good or bad, that doesn't pass through My hands first. How will you ever have a TESTIMONY without a TEST? How will your FAITH ever grow if you never have to trust me completely? I see your tears and it hurts me to see you down but I know what's best for you. I know what the doctor's say, but that is irrelevant because I am the GREAT PHYSICIAN. Don't believe man's report, but believe MINE. I hear your prayers and you will receive your heart's desire at the APPOINTED TIME. I CHOSE you for this battle because I KNEW you could handle it. When it's all said and done, you will have unshakable FAITH that surpasses all understanding. Your testimony will inspire and encourage others. It will touch the lives of others. It's not always about the final destination. Sometimes what you need to learn is from the JOURNEY itself.  I know it's hard, but put ALL your trust in Me and focus on me during this time. I will give you JOY in your sadness. I will be STRONG in your weakness. And remember always that delayed doesn't mean denied.

Love,
Your Heavenly Father

Guiliana is Having A Baby!

For those of you who don't keep up with the entertainment world, Guiliana Rancic is an E!News anchor who has had a very open and public battle with infertility. She has gone through several unsuccessful IVF cycles and has suffered a miscarriage. Before starting up another IVF cycle, she was diagnosed with breast cancer so she had to put her dreams of having a child on hold. She and her husband are now expecting a child through a surrogate. So now she has beat cancer and infertility. You may be wondering why I care or why it even matters? When I read this headline while browsing through my ABC News app, I smiled. I was genuinely happy for her and I don't even know her. Perhaps its because I can relate to her struggle with infertility. But all I know is that it has been a long time since I have been genuinely happy about anyone's pregnancy announcement (famous or not). Not that I wasn't happy for people, especially those closest to me. Infertility is a lonely and painful place to be so I would never wish that on anyone. But the little joy I would feel was usually overwhelmed by feelings of sadness. I would think about how I wish that could be me. Or how this person started trying after me and got pregnant so quickly. Or how this person is now having a child and I'm still not even pregnant. Or how if I would have gotten pregnant when I first started trying I would have a child right now. Praise God for my renewed sense of peace and patience. I am thankful that I can truly feel joy for someone else at this point in my life.

People Say The Darndest Things

I thank God that I can now laugh about the things I have heard throughout my infertility journey. It was so crazy how the wrong words by a person could completely change my mood and throw me into a crying frenzy. I know people mean well but...... it usually doesn't come out that way.  Here's a few of the many things you shouldn't say to a couple who is having a hard time conceiving and some responses. Some are from personal experience while others I just googled.

"Just relax and it will happen"- That's easy for you to say when all you have to do is sneeze and you'll be pregnant. I dare you to try for over a year and know that there is medically an issue and try to relax. Not happening. And who said I was stressed anyway?
This is by far the most common comment. Would you tell a cancer patient to “just relax”? What about a diabetic? Infertility is disease, just like cancer, just like diabetes. No amount of relaxing will cure it. Stress doesn’t cause infertility. Infertility causes stress.
The shut-up and take it answer:  OK.
The over-the-top with joy answer:  Why, you’re absolutely right!!!!  Why didn’t I think of that myself!  Thanks!  Boy, I really mean it!  That’s the BEST advice I’ve ever been give before.  Brilliant!  I love it!  See you later, I’m off to relax now!  (This type of answer works best if you shake their hand vigorously as you leave and then proceed to call them every ten minutes for the next two days to show your gratitude.)
Honest answer #1:  I know you mean well, but my infertility is more than ‘nervousness’.  It’s an actual medical problem.  If you want to pepper this mature response with a snotty ending, you could always add:   I could go into more detail, but I’m not sure you’d be able to follow.
Honest answer #2, a little more confrontational:  It’s hard not to worry about something that means so much to me.  How would you feel if it was you?

"Just go on a vacation."- Now I love a vacation as much as the next person but Seriously? What's a vacation supposed to do?
Ah yes, another favorite, right up there with “just relax” on the level of obnoxiousness. All I need is a week under the sun? Huh, and to think that I've wasted so much of our “vacation” money on doctors’ appointments, tests, medications, and IVF.

"I remember when I tried for my THIRD child and it took like 6 months." Really! Third child? I'm struggling with number one here and you really trying to compare. Let's be real!

"My husband just looks at me and I get pregnant!”
Oh, thank you for the side of salt to go with my wounds, how thoughtful! Why don’t you tell me how you were on the pill or breastfeeding and they just kept coming?

"My cousin's brother's aunt's baby daddy's girlfriend tried for like 20 years and she finally got pregnant even though doctors said she would never have kids." I love how everyone knows that one person. I see that you are trying to give me hope. But seriously ain't nobody tryna wait 20 years.

"Aunt Joyce knew a girl who got pregnant after she adopted a baby from Russia.  The doctor said it had to do with her hormones flowing again."
The testy comeback:  Well, I knew a girl who was so sick of people giving her advice on how to get pregnant that she went postal. 

That last one was hilarious! HAHAHAHAHA.

Let me give credit where credit is due. Here are the websites that I got some of these examples from:
http://infertilityrocks.wordpress.com/2009/01/27/
http://catswithpassports.blogspot.com/2009/07/infertility-comments-101-things-you.html