THEN & NOW

The Thoughts of a HUSBAND "WHO BELIEVES HE'S ALONE IN TTP" 

Who could I vent too in a moment when I am so Alone

but must remain strong in order to  keep a stable home.

the answer NO ONE,

and if I did go to someone to open up to,

feelings of betrayal consumes me, so I resort back to silence in order to protect you.

-Samuel-

THEN

The pressure to understand. Do I not bleed as you bleed? We both are wounded in this experience but instead of tending to my own wounds, I do all in my power to reach out and hold yours while I bleed out on the floor. I understand the responsibility of being a man and the fact that I must be strong so that I could support you when you're weak. But let's take a moment to understand I bleed. I get saddened by the thought of possibly not being able to see what a little Lisa would look like, how it would feel to have a miniature version of my wife on my back while I give her a piggy back ride or even be her own private horsey. I weep internally but in my world if I take my hand off your wound to tend to mine You will bleed out and that's not an option. My love for you is so strong that I rather bleed out while I apply pressure to yours. I feel if I show my depression or my disappointment in this situation that I'll just be putting you in a worse state but I guess that may not be correct but that's how I felt.  I often think of being the hero in the life of a little Lisa, having her think that Daddy is the most powerful being in all the world (besides our God of course). I want to play doll. I want to take her out on dates. I want to take her to go get her feet done. I want to be there for my lil Lisa. Talk about being humble I am a man who did not want any female children but when I sit and think of that fact that its possible that I may not have any, having a little Lisa is all that I could think of.

Wow, do we really want me to sit here and think of not having a jr Sam. My my my how will the world miss out on such a great curious young individual. I cry internally at least once a day when I think of the thought of not having the blessing of having my own flesh and blood. bone of my bone flesh of my flesh the same DNA. Although we are married and share very personal and intimate things with each other, we still don't share the same DNA. The fact of the matter is, I WANT KIDS, I really do. What we are going through hurts me? When I feel I'm allowed to I weep (in church cause no one can judge). But at home can you imagine how it would be like if I just started balling and started stating how bad I want children. I truly think that it would hurt you even the more. I have to either hold in my emotions or let it all out its one or the other. I've choosen to hold it in so that I could tend to yours but I feel my actions are not understood and are unappreciated.

Well before I was really alone in this cause I had no one to turn to. I couldn't talk to anyone about this cause I felt that I was betraying you. I couldn't turn to you cause I had no idea how you would react, so I held it in.

NOW

Wow, we came a long way in this journey. I remember the quiet moments in the house where we just did not know what to say. The walking on egg shells to make sure myself and our surrounding did nothing to bring up the situation. This TTP has cost us plenty financially, mentally, & spiritually. I thank God for the moment when the light bulb came on and we both realized that we have each other in this. I wasn't alone I could tell you how I feel and its ok to speak about it. This is where we are and we need to confront it. I thank you my LOVE for breaking the ice and opening the door to open communication. I LOVE YOU

Although I thought I was doing right, I realize now that my actions to emotionless did hurt you. I'M SORRY. As you know me and my heart, that would never be my intentions. I am truly at peace with this as I feel you are too. I know the Lord God is going to bless us. It just make sense. He loves us and he's been here for us since day one. God's hands have been on our marriage and I expect for it to stay there. I do believe this was a key to the next step in our TTP (OPENNESS). This is something that others should know so that when we finally get the blessing, it will be a even greater testimony. So I say thank you Lisa for being obedient to the Lord. Let's continue to seek him and follow His direction. I can't believe your BLOGGING. lol. THAT'S crazy.

I WAS WRONG THIS ISN'T JUST YOUR FAITH WALK. THIS IS MINE AS WELL. AND WE BOTH WILL SHARE THIS TESTIMONY TOGETHER.