The Story Behind TTP

So some may be wondering exactly why I'm in TTP........ Or maybe not.....But here's the story anyway.

Ever since I can remember I've had irregular cycles. When I was a teenager, my doctors said it was because I was a teenager. When I became an adult, I was told it was because I've always been irregular. Go figure! Well anyways....in November of 2010, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). (Google it! lol) I googled PCOS to find out more information. I google just about everything and I knew my husband would have a million and one questions concerning this new diagnosis. According to my research PCOS is a disorder caused by hormonal imbalance that cause those with it to ovulate irregularly or not at all. Instead of ovulating, these eggs become cysts in the ovaries. Without ovulation, you won't have a period hence the irregular cycles. Along with this, symptoms include infertility, being overweight, insulin resistance, facial hair, being at greater risk for heart disease and diabetes, miscarriage, and premature delivery.
The doctor said that our plan of action would depend upon whether or not we want a baby or not. I was still in nursing school at the time, and as much as I would have loved to have a baby, it wasn't a good decision at the time. Plus, we wanted to wait until we were married for 2 years before we would start trying. That was only 6 months away. The doctor assured us that whenever we do decide to have a baby, it would be a breeze. She said I am young and as far as people with infertility issues go, those with PCOS are the easiest to get pregnant. With that being said, my husband and I decided to go on birth control until we are ready to get pregnant. I never doubted her one moment.
In February 2011, we decided that we are ready to have kids. In my mind, it wouldn't take no time at all. We felt like we were one step ahead since we had medicine on our side. It never occurred to us that medicine might fail us in this instance. Now that I think about, we probably had more faith in the medicine than we should have. A year later (Feb 2012) WITH fertility treatment and still nothing. (I will probably make a post later on to describe in detail what that year consisted of). So after a year, we decided that its time for a new course of treatment since what we were doing was obviously not working. So my doctor suggested we do a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). Google it! It's an x-ray used to look at the structure of the uterus and fallopian tubes. It can show injury or abnormal structure to the uterus or fallopian tubes. It can also show a blockage that would prevent an egg from moving through the fallopian tubes to the uterus.
My results: Bilateral tubal blockage! Meaning both of my fallopian tubes are blocked. How could that happen to me? I'm young and have never had an STD. Seriously! I was absolutely devastated. I cried from the moment I heard the results until the following day. I don't think I ever cried so much in my life. There were several reasons why I was devastated:
1. As if I needed another reason to make this TTP even longer and harder. I already have the ovulation issue!
2. I knew that tubal blockage meant that I only had 2 options, surgery or In-vitro fertilization (IVF). None of which are guaranteed. Surgery would give me the option to have children naturally in the future without always having to resort to IVF. But there was the possibility that the wouldn't be able to remove the blockage or if the did remove it, it could scar back up and be blocked again. IVF cost $10-17,000 and is not covered at all by insurance. Some people have to go through several cycles before they even get pregnant. And then there are some that get pregnant and end up miscarrying. At this point if I'm going to have surgery or spend that kind of money, I'd like some guarantees.
3. I felt like I wasted a year of my life on treatments that were never going to work. If only I had known since the beginning. Not to mention that crazy headaches, mood swings, emotions going wild, pain, and hot flashes.
In my mind, at the time, surgery was the best option for me.........

THEN & NOW

The Thoughts of a HUSBAND "WHO BELIEVES HE'S ALONE IN TTP" 

Who could I vent too in a moment when I am so Alone

but must remain strong in order to  keep a stable home.

the answer NO ONE,

and if I did go to someone to open up to,

feelings of betrayal consumes me, so I resort back to silence in order to protect you.

-Samuel-

THEN

The pressure to understand. Do I not bleed as you bleed? We both are wounded in this experience but instead of tending to my own wounds, I do all in my power to reach out and hold yours while I bleed out on the floor. I understand the responsibility of being a man and the fact that I must be strong so that I could support you when you're weak. But let's take a moment to understand I bleed. I get saddened by the thought of possibly not being able to see what a little Lisa would look like, how it would feel to have a miniature version of my wife on my back while I give her a piggy back ride or even be her own private horsey. I weep internally but in my world if I take my hand off your wound to tend to mine You will bleed out and that's not an option. My love for you is so strong that I rather bleed out while I apply pressure to yours. I feel if I show my depression or my disappointment in this situation that I'll just be putting you in a worse state but I guess that may not be correct but that's how I felt.  I often think of being the hero in the life of a little Lisa, having her think that Daddy is the most powerful being in all the world (besides our God of course). I want to play doll. I want to take her out on dates. I want to take her to go get her feet done. I want to be there for my lil Lisa. Talk about being humble I am a man who did not want any female children but when I sit and think of that fact that its possible that I may not have any, having a little Lisa is all that I could think of.

Wow, do we really want me to sit here and think of not having a jr Sam. My my my how will the world miss out on such a great curious young individual. I cry internally at least once a day when I think of the thought of not having the blessing of having my own flesh and blood. bone of my bone flesh of my flesh the same DNA. Although we are married and share very personal and intimate things with each other, we still don't share the same DNA. The fact of the matter is, I WANT KIDS, I really do. What we are going through hurts me? When I feel I'm allowed to I weep (in church cause no one can judge). But at home can you imagine how it would be like if I just started balling and started stating how bad I want children. I truly think that it would hurt you even the more. I have to either hold in my emotions or let it all out its one or the other. I've choosen to hold it in so that I could tend to yours but I feel my actions are not understood and are unappreciated.

Well before I was really alone in this cause I had no one to turn to. I couldn't talk to anyone about this cause I felt that I was betraying you. I couldn't turn to you cause I had no idea how you would react, so I held it in.

NOW

Wow, we came a long way in this journey. I remember the quiet moments in the house where we just did not know what to say. The walking on egg shells to make sure myself and our surrounding did nothing to bring up the situation. This TTP has cost us plenty financially, mentally, & spiritually. I thank God for the moment when the light bulb came on and we both realized that we have each other in this. I wasn't alone I could tell you how I feel and its ok to speak about it. This is where we are and we need to confront it. I thank you my LOVE for breaking the ice and opening the door to open communication. I LOVE YOU

Although I thought I was doing right, I realize now that my actions to emotionless did hurt you. I'M SORRY. As you know me and my heart, that would never be my intentions. I am truly at peace with this as I feel you are too. I know the Lord God is going to bless us. It just make sense. He loves us and he's been here for us since day one. God's hands have been on our marriage and I expect for it to stay there. I do believe this was a key to the next step in our TTP (OPENNESS). This is something that others should know so that when we finally get the blessing, it will be a even greater testimony. So I say thank you Lisa for being obedient to the Lord. Let's continue to seek him and follow His direction. I can't believe your BLOGGING. lol. THAT'S crazy.

I WAS WRONG THIS ISN'T JUST YOUR FAITH WALK. THIS IS MINE AS WELL. AND WE BOTH WILL SHARE THIS TESTIMONY TOGETHER.

Blessing and Curse?

Ever since I was a child, I had this fascination with the childbirth process. One of my favorite shows to watch was "Birth Day." At that time, I wanted to be a doctor and just knew I would be an OB/GYN. When I got older and changed my mind, I decided that I still wanted to work in the health care field. Although, it wasn't my first option, nursing became my career. I told any who wanted to know that I wanted to work in Labor and Delivery. I knew my chances of getting into that field right out of school were slim to none. But God favored me and allowed me to find a graduate nurse position in Labor and Delivery right after school. I knew it was God by the way everything fell into place. The manager of my unit wasn't even there to interview me and I still got the job. But that's another story.
Although, I was eight months into my TTP, I never imagined that working in Labor and Delivery would cause me such distress at the time. Don't get me wrong, I love what I do and I thank God for the opportunity that was given to me. It just seemed like the more time that passed that I wasn't pregnant, the sadder I was at work. I had some good days but I also had some really bad days. It just amazed me how many young mothers I would see come in. There would be 22 year olds pregnant with their fourth child, 19 year olds on the sixth pregnancy, 27 year olds pregnant with their seventh child. How could all of these people be so fertile? It just wasn't fair. Many of them took for granted the gift of life they were carrying.
Most people would find work as a source of distraction when having their own personal issues. For me, work was a constant reminder of difficulty I was experiencing trying to conceive and it hurt to see people daily doing and experiencing what I so badly wanted to do.