Disclaimer: Some of my thoughts and emotions may have been irrational. But who's rational when you're depressed? Also, some people may feel convicted after reading this post. Please know that I no longer feel this way. All is forgiven.
So what do you say to someone who has has a miscarriage? I don't know that there are any magic words. But one thing you should definitely do is acknowledge what happened. For example, ''I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage.'' ''I heard what happened.'' Nothing is worse than people pretending something so devastating never happened. Especially, when it is family or someone that you consider a close friend. It seems like when you are pregnant, everyone has something to say or some advice to give. But no one has anything to say when you are going through a difficult situation. Who needs an encouraging word more: the one who is celebrating or one who is mourning?
I also would say to show them that you care and acknowledge their feelings. I know, I know. People don't want to hurt your feelings or make you cry. I know, I know. People don't know what to say. Truth is, at my worst moments, there was nothing anyone could say that could make me feel any worse. This also means that weeks and months down the line, you still check on them. So, just a text message every once in a while to let them know you are thinking or praying for them. Or just ask how they are doing. The tiny few who did this, have no idea what that meant to me. And sometimes those messages will come at the exact moment you need it. If you the afraid that you are being bothersome, ask them to let you know if you are. This was probably one of the biggest things for me. During the months that followed my miscarriage, I became so depressed. It seemed liked everyone had moved on but me. Which is normal, since it didn't happen to them. But there were many people whom I felt close to that I felt 'let me go' in my darkest moment. I know there were people praying for me and thinking of me. But to me, it felt like no one really cared. Some people I heard from the days after my miscarriage and months later still hadn't heard from. Some people would ask my husband about me, when they could have just asked me. Don't be discouraged because you didn't get a response to a text or a phone. Realize that they may pull away because they are grieving about what happened, but that doesn't mean that you have to.
Lastly, I would say be aware of the way you act around them. People treat you differently after a miscarriage. I remember I would read this on other blogs or websites. But it is so true and also very hard to explain. People are so uncomfortable with this topic and their actions show it. Some will avoid you. Some will try so hard to make up conversation that it becomes awkward.
This is a bonus point. Lol. There is no right way to tell someone who has had a miscarriage that you are pregnant. So don't plot and plan how to deliver the message or wait forever in hopes they will be pregnant again before you have to tell them. It will probably make them sad to find out, but avoiding the conversation doesn't make the pregnancy go away. Better to tell them, than for them to find out from someone else or for you to avoid or be awkward around them.
I know a lot of people's reactions to me were 'normal.' It must be, since pretty much everyone I knew reacted similarly. But just because it's 'normal' doesn't make it right. Hopefully, this can help someone.
Until next time....
